If Onlys and Regrets
by crazyhpcfan
Summary: One year after Lois Lane's death, Clark reflects. Also posted on the KsiteTV forums under the pen name of clois4ever30.


A/N: This is my fist Smallville fic. I just finished it. It is set in Pandora, just before the Clois moment in the future. Originally posted as four chapter on the KsiteTV forums, I have condensed it into a single chapter here.

Summary: One year after Lois Lane's death, Clark reflects.

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><p>It was all his fault.<p>

He had nothing left now, except if onlys and regrets. The love of his life - dead. His mother – also dead. His best friends – he had no idea if they were even alive.

He had so many regrets. So much that he wished he could change.

If only he still had the Legion ring.

If only he hadn't turned around when he heard Chloe yell "Lana!"

If only he had told Lois how he felt.

If only he had been more decisive. Then Lois and Jimmy would still be alive. He would know what happened to Chloe and Oliver. The world wouldn't be in such a dire state.

He turned to the only thing that brought some form of comfort – his memories.

_"So what if your signature moves is driving a tractor?" she asked. "I think it's adorable," she tried to reassure him._

_He made a decision then. Impulsive? Yes. Rash? Definitely. Stupid? He didn't care. The red kryptonite coursing through his system made such things seem frivolous and of no consequence. "You know Lois, I think it's time for you to meet the real Clark Kent."_

He remembered taking her to the roof of the Daily Planet, and super-leaping to Oliver's penthouse. He also remembered what almost took place. He had no idea how he felt about it. Sometimes he was angry for letting an opportunity to be close to Lois slip through his fingers. On other days he was glad that their first time – or what would have been their first time- wasn't tainted by red kryptonite or the aphrodisiacs.

How could he have been so blind as to miss something like this?

Even Lana had noticed. _"The best ones always start out that way."_

Another memory.

_He stood up, with his back turned to her. "Are you- are you okay?" she asked in concern. "What's your name?"_

_"I don't know," he replied tonelessly._

_"I need to get you to a hospital," she said, a slight tone of panic in her voice._

_"I'm fine."_

_"You just been hit by lightning, your stark naked and you don't even remember your own name," she said incredulously. "You have a fairly loose definition of fine."_

_And this, he turned around to face her. Her eyes widened as she took him in. "Look at his face," she muttered under her breath. But her eyes traveled downwards slightly._

_"I have a blanket in the trunk," she said, trying to cover up her embarrassment. "Don't move. I'll be right back."_

_"Wait. Who are you?" he questioned._

_"Lois. Lois Lane."_

The beginning of something more. Something that he had failed to see for so long. He realised too late how similar that situation was to how his parents had found him. Just like the Kents, Lois had taken him under her wing and got him help with no questions asked.

He blinked back the tears that formed at the corner of his eyes. The Kandorians won't hesitate to harm him at the slightest show of weakness. He kept on replaying every second of their interactions, over and over again. The only way he could be close to her.

He paid no attention to the commotion that was going on. There was nothing he could do. No way to help. People didn't want his help anyway. He was one of _them_. It really didn't matter that he was raised human, or that he had no powers. Guilt by association.

He then heard the voice that he wanted to hear for so long. He quickly waked towards her, trying to remain inconspicuous. "I could eat about thirty maple doughnuts," she finished.

"You want food?" Alia demanded. "What do you have to trade?"

"Take this," he said, thrusting his father's watch in front of her.

"Smallville?" she whispered in shock.

"It's all I have," he continued. Alia snatched it out of his hand. "It's yours if you let her go," he said.

"This will do. For now." Alia then walked away.

He then hugged her, glad to have her in his arms again. And in that moment, it didn't matter that he was powerless. It didn't matter that the Kandorians had taken over the planet. It didn't matter that he had no idea of Chloe's and Oliver's fate. All that mattered was that Lois Lane was alive. And she was in his arms.

"I thought I lost you forever," he whispered.

"Clark thank god," he said.

"I can't believe you're alive." He truly hoped that this wasn't a dream. He hoped that his mind wasn't so far gone that he was hallucinating that Lois was here, in his arms. But Alia had seen her didn't she?

This had to be real. His memory could never do justice to her. The feel of her in his arms, the way she spoke, the smell of her perfume, her beautiful eyes. Such things can never be replicated. All he saw in his dreams were a pale imitation of the beauty that was Lois Lane. _She's real. And she's here_, he thought.

"This dream got ten times brighter," she said.

"What do you mean dream?" he asked shocked. She actually thought that this was a dream? " Lois, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you're not dreaming."

It took Lois a few seconds to process what he had said. She tiled her head to the side and said, "Clark, if this isn't a dream then it's the worst nightmare I could ever imagine. Since when did the Kent family farm become a prison, and why would you give away the one thing of your dad's that meant so much to you?"

Didn't she understand? He would do anything for her, give away everything he had for her, even his life if need be. "I did it for you," he whispered.

She stared at him for a few seconds before questioning, "Okay hold on. Explain about the wicked witch and the flying freaks. Have we been invaded by "The Wizard of Oz"?"

"More like another planet," he replied. His people. His people had caused so much pain and destruction.

"Aliens?" she questioned incredulously. He nodded.

"Clark, before I fought Tess, she went on and on about some orb - called it alien technology, said there was life inside of it. This invasion - Tess knew about it," finished Lois accusingly.

"Tess may have helped," he said. May have? She did help and he knew it. Only three days ago, she came to him and to talk him around to Zod's way of thinking. "The world is a much better place. Think how much better it would be if you helped," she insisted. And as always, he had refused. How could she be so blind as to not see this suffering? Suffering he had caused. For not being able to deal with this problem as he should have.

"These aliens have their own leader. His name is Zod. I tried to fight him, but I made all the wrong choices-" his voice broke at this. "A lot of people died." Because of him. He may not have killed them, but he had their blood on his hands. He had failed in his duty to protect them.

"Please tell me Chloe wasn't one of them," she said, desperation in her voice.

How he wished he knew. He wanted to tell her that Chloe was fine, that she was safe, but he couldn't lie to her. "Lois, I don't know. After I thought I lost you, I went off on my own. I haven't talked to her in months." He confessed, ashamed of himself. Chloe was his best friend. He should have been there for her. And for Ollie. His fault.

"Months?" Lois asked shocked.

"Lois, you vanished a year ago." How could she not know this? He had suffered each day, not being able to be with her. What had happened to her to not make her realise that a whole year has passed?

She shook her head. "No, I was just throwing down with Tess a few hours ago." He stared at her, uncomprehendingly. She paused before saying, "And then I grabbed that gold ring."

The pieces clicked into place. Lois was from the past. "The Leigon ring?" That explained why he couldn't find her anywhere. She wasn't even in that time period. "It must have brought you here. Do you still have it?" He begged the stars that she did have the ring with her. If she did, everything will be alright.

"Yes," she whispered, smiling.

"You," called out Basqat. "General Zod would like to see you."

He knew that no good would come out of that meeting. He had to protect Lois. "Protect the ring," he told her, and tried to throw a punch at Basqat. Basqat easily blocked it and threw him onto a table. He then roughly dragged Lois away. She struggled, trying to break free from his iron grip, but was unsuccessful.

"Lois!" Clark yelled desperately, trying to run after them. But the gate slammed shut, separating him from his love. He clutched onto the wire door, hoping that noting bad would happened to Lois. He wouldn't be able to take it even if she was the slightest bit hurt. Once again, he had failed in his duty to protect the people he loved. "Lois," he whispered, tears streaming down his cheeks.

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><p>Zod's soldiers had dragged him here, to the Luthor Mansion. He knew that this was the end. He was going to die. But he felt oddly at peace with that knowledge. He had been dead on the inside for a year. This was just making it official. Death not only in spirit and emotions, but also in body.<p>

The only thing he worried about was Lois. He had to ensure that she was safe first. Then he would gladly accept death. It would be a relief, a way to escape this pain.

He saw Lois being marched into the room, her hands shackled. "Lois," he called out and reached out for her, but he was held back by Basqat.

"Let her go," he said. "Take my life and let her live!"

Lois couldn't die for his mistakes. So many people had already paid for what he had done. He won't let Lois be another one of them.

He heard her whisper "Clark," in a strangled voice. He felt horrible. He was always causing her pain. Dark Thursday. All the times that she had been attacked by the meteor-infected. Chloe's and Jimmy's wedding. Standing her up at the cafe. And now, this. She had to live with the trauma of seeing him die. Why couldn't he go for more than a few weeks without hurting her in some way?

Zod walked towards him, sword in hand. "Your bravery is commendable. But by defying me you have forced my hand." Clark met Zod's gaze unflinchingly. He would not show any fear. If he showed even the slightest bit of fear, it would hurt Lois even more. Zod nodded his head once as a signal, and Basqat forced Clark down on his knees.

Clark's eyes never left Zod's as Zod drew the sword from its sheath. "I wanted you to join me on this new Earth, but now I must bury you beneath it." He raised the sword ready to strike.

"No!" yelled Lois.

Suddenly, an arrow shot through the window, shattering it. The arrow impaled itself in one of the soldiers. Several people burst in, and began attacking the soldiers. Clark immediately pulled Lois away, and placed themselves in a corner, away from the battle that was going on. He relaxed slightly once Lois was out of the line of fire. He looked up, his eyes meeting with Zod's. They exchanged a look of hate before Zod and Faora supersped away.

Soon, it was all over. One of them removed the scarf covering his face and turned to them. It was Oliver.

"Oliver," said Lois happily.

"Hey, Legs," he greeted her and unlocked the shackles on her wrist.

She hugged him and said, "Am I glad to see you and your band of merry men." Clark felt happy that Oliver was alive; that Oliver wasn't another victim to the mistakes he made. But he was a little hurt that Lois seemed to greet Oliver with such happiness. Did she have any lingering feelings for Oliver? As much as it hurt him to admit it, Oliver was better for Lois. Much better than a half-dead alien whose mistakes and errors in judgement had caused so much pain and suffering.

"Not my band," said Oliver.

"What?" asked Lois in shock.

"It's hers," said Oliver. Another of the group pulled of her scarf and removed her cap. It was Chloe. She was alive. So she wasn't dead. For that, Clark was immensely glad.

"Chloe," said Lois happily and hugged her.

"I didn't think that I was ever going to see you again," said Chloe.

"You almost didn't. Those crazy space invaders almost killed us," said Lois.

"Guess we owe you guys our lives," said Clark. Neither Chloe nor Oliver met his eyes. He tried not to get upset about that. He deserved this. He had turned his back on his friends. Just then, they heard a whimper. Oliver walked over to Tess, who had an arrow sticking out of her abdomen. Oliver took her in his arms. "You always were a good shot," she said gasping.

"I didn't do this to you," he said stroking her face tenderly. "I didn't," he insisted.

"I know I did this to myself," said Tess. "It was a risk choosing Zod over my own people. Someone had to save the Earth," she tried defending herself. "I couldn't give up on that," were her final words.

Oliver held her tenderly, tears in his eyes, crying over a woman that meant a lot to him many years ago. The woman who had saved him then, but had changed for the worse, and she was now dead.

He turned towards Chloe, who said in a matter of fact voice, "I had the shot. I had to take it."

Clark watched as Chloe walked away. He stared at Tess' lifeless body. He remembered how some of Zod's soldiers tried to play games with him like this. They would restrain him, and make him watch as they tortured people to death. It killed him. Over and over again. To watch but be unable to do anything to help. Tess, he reflected, was merely misguided. If only he had been able to help. Tess was now another person whom he had watched die, unable to save. Another person's blood was on his hands. This was all his fault.

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><p>They were in the building that used to house Watchtower. On one wall was a large banner, with a clenched fist and the words, "For Our World." The room was lit by candles and oil lamps. Chloe strode over to a table.<p>

"We may have won the battle but Zod will come back harder now," she said and unrolled a paper.

"Next time we take a stand," said Clark. "Lois vanished a year ago after she put on the Legion Ring."

Chloe turned towards Lois. "You time travelled her?"

"I'm pretty sure I didn't walk a whole year into the future, not in these heels," Lois quipped, trying to lighten the tense atmosphere. "The thing is, I lost the ring. That one-named wonder, Zod, took it."

"We need to get the ring back. Then Lois can return to the past and prevent Zod's tower from being built in the first place," said Clark, quickly thinking up a plan.

"That's not a bad plan Clark, but why should I trust you now?" Chloe strode towards him in anger. "You already left us once to fight on your own," she said, accusation in her eyes.

The words stung. But Clark said nothing. There was nothing he could say.

"You abandoned us big guy, plain and simple," said Oliver, coming in support of Chloe.

Clark tried to defend himself. "I thought I could stop Zod myself. I tried to take him on as my enemy, and I was wrong. But I'm here now."

But he could tell that Oliver and Chloe weren't convinced. They still didn't trust him. But he couldn't blame them. He would have done that same in their position.

Lois intervened. "Okay, then, look. Why Clark decided to take on our enemy E.T.s by himself is beyond me." She placed herself in between Chloe and Clark. "And maybe you think he abandoned the cause or something. But come on - aren't we all in this together?" she finished

Clark tried again to convince Chloe. "You guys shut down that tower and bring back the yellow sun, you know I'm your best chance of getting back that ring."

"Maybe. I still don't trust you," said Chloe. Clark knew that this was the best that he could hope for, at least for now.

"Well, I guess that's a start," said Lois, also realising this. "So, about the tower?"

"The towers are the key to the Kandorians' power. They collect all the sun's radiation, turn it red, and then beam it back up to the LuthorCorp satellites," explained Chloe.

Oliver continued, "Those satellites take the radiation, and they beam it back down to earth, giving those alien S.O.B.s all their superhuman strength. Now, we take the tower down, we shut them down."

"Guys, I've seen Zod's troops," said Lois. "We are seriously outnumbered. We'd never reach it."

"We don't have to," said Chloe. "We have a secret weapon - Watchtower. I powered down Watchtower so the Kandorians couldn't find it, but I can use the computers to hack into Zod's big red flashlight and unleash a virus that should shut it off remotely."

"You guys bring back the yellow sun, and I'll take the others to find the Legion ring," promised Clark. But he knew that he would go by himself. He won't let anyone else get hurt. He won't put anyone else in danger. The owed them that much at least.

"I just have one more question. How does turning the sun yellow make Clark our number-one draft pick for taking on this Zod guy?" asked Lois.

None of the others met her eyes, unwilling to drop that bombshell. They had no idea what to say.

"Zod and I have history," said Clark finally. Everything – Lois's return, almost being killed by Zod, Chloe's and Oliver's mistrust all was too much for him. He left the room as quickly as he could.

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><p>Clark washed his face with the water in the bowl. On seeing the conditions that the resistance fighters lived in, he felt an overwhelming sense of pity and guilt. There was also admiration. Pity because of the conditions the fighters lived, admiration that they still had the strength and will to continue fighting, and guilt for that part he played in all of this mess. He heard the door open, and saw Lois enter the room. He wondered if Oliver and Chloe had told her about his origins, but he knew they wouldn't. He picked a piece of cloth to have something to do with his hands.<p>

"You okay?" he asked, walking towards her. _Idiot, _he thought to himself. _Of course she's not okay. She almost got _killed_ remember?_

"Define okay," she replied. "So far today, I've travelled through time, fought of flying aliens, and almost got my head chopped off," she said in a dazed voice. She closed the door behind her and walked towards him. "But one thing I can't believe, I can't believe you and Chloe aren't friends anymore."

"It's not her fault," he said and turned away from her. "I turned my back on her. Lois, after you disappeared, I couldn't- I couldn't be around Oliver or Chloe. They remained me of you and that hurt too much."

He turned back to face her. "So I left, and trained myself to fight Zod."

She took a step closer. "Clark, what did you mean about having a history with him?"

He swallowed a lump in his throat, and mentally prepared himself to face her judgement. "Let's just say that I made some mistakes."

"Stop beating yourself up," she whispered and took a step closer. Close enough to be touching him. "You're not alone in this. The truth is we could all die tomorrow."

"Lois, I died when you left," he said, a broken tone in his voice.

Lois took one of his hands in one of hers, and place her other hand on his chest. "I'm here now," she whispered reassuringly.

It was too much. Seeing her again, almost losing her for a second time, and now her skin was in contact with his. The emotions were overwhelming; and he decided to just give in to them. He stepped closer, and kissed her with all the passion that he could muster.

The rest of the night passed in a blur. All he felt was that Lois was with him, and they were together, making love. And as ore time passed, he felt something- a spark was lit when he saw that Lois was alive again, and over the night, it became a raging inferno. He had, once again, begun to hope.

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><p>Everything had gone wrong. The sun was still red, there was no sign of the others, and Zod had caught him.<p>

"I should have know you'd come after me. All to save a doomed race," said Zod in disdain. "When faced with a crumbling world, these humans, they'd rather die, than unite under a single leader and do what's required to build a glorious new world!"

He let go of Clark, who let out a grunt of pain when his leg hit the pavement. He slowly tried to rise up, and managed to get into a half lying position. He then spotted Lois hiding near a car. Hope rose in him once more. _All is not lost_.

Zod, thankfully, hadn't spotted Lois. "It's tragic. You thought you could take me on like this. Metropolis would not be destroyed if you had all just stopped fighting and joined me."

Clark met Zod's eyes. "We'll never stop fighting Zod," he said forcefully. "Humanity will never lose its spirit." Clark tried to get to his feet but Zod pushed him back down with just two fingers.

When Zod turned, Lois slid the Kryptonite dagger towards him. The instant Clark's hands closed around the hilt of the dagger, Zod stepped on his hand. Clark screamed in pain. He could almost feel his bones breaking.

Zod leaned down towards him, and whispered, "Goodbye, son of Jor-El." Zod then kicked Clark, who was sent flying into a pile of debris. Everything went black for a short while.

Clark felt the healing rays of the yellow sun. _Chloe did it,_he thought triumphantly. He stood up to face Zod.

"Zod," he called out. "Your reign of terror is over, Zod. I'm sending Lois home to the past. She can warn us about your tower before it's ever built," he said, walking towards Zod.

"You choose to fight me!" yelled Zod. "You forced me to unleash my power! We could have made this planet a paradise!"

Clark grabbed the lapels of Zod' jacket. "It always was," said Clark. "But you never gave humanity a chance." Clark tore the Legion Ring away from Zod.

Zod's face twisted into a smirk. "They've made you weak," he said and stabbed the Kryptonite dagger into Clerk's abdomen.

Clark felt the pain of the Kryptonite wash over him. "If she travels back in time the lives we know will cease to exist," said Zod, and he twisted the dagger.

This time, Clark was unable to hide his pain. "You've destroyed our world," accused Zod. Clark used the last of his strength and tossed Zod into the side of the van.

He collapsed to the ground grunting in pain. He pulled the dagger out and tossed it aside. He saw Lois running toward him. "Clark!" she yelled. She knelt down beside him.

"Take the ring, put it on," he whispered. Everything will be alright now. Lois would go back, she would warn them about Zod's tower, and hopefully, his past self would be able to see this amazing woman in a romantic light. And most of all Lois will be safe.

"No," she said in a strangled voice.

"You have to, now," he insisted.

"What if I never see you again?" she asked worried.

"You will," he reassured her, and slipped the ring on her finger. Lois disappeared in a flash of light. Clark had a smile on his face as he felt his life slipping from him. _Lois was safe_. And that was all that mattered.

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><p>Please review!<p> 


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